i am constantly reminded that no matter how much you want something, don't want something, think you're ready, or think you are not ready.... things happen when and how they are supposed to.... while i don't think that things are entirely out of our control.... i think attempts to control things are, most of the time, futile efforts... and most of the time, what it all boils down to is having faith in all that you are capable of and fate itself....

i'm sure this entry sounds random... but i'm working on my personal statement for law school apps and am, therefore, trying to get all non-law school/general life related thoughts off of my mind.... and what better catharsis than a journal like this... so bear with me.... it will probably all seem very random from here on out.... if it isn't always random...

LOVE

have you ever been in love?  i think everytime i am getting out of a relationship in which i thought i was "in love," i begin to doubt that i ever was... however, i'm coming to realize that perhaps love just changes in every instance of it... it becomes a new, different, more complex and more simple feeling.... i am relatively sure that in all of my meaningful past relationships i have loved that other person... but have i been "in love" in those relationships, i don't know for certain... but probably... and i certainly felt in love in several past relationships.... what is love anyway?  can you define it?  most definitions seem to me to define infatuation more or even obsession...

i was watching sex and the city the other day... by myself at my apartment... just isn't quite the same watching it by myself.... but i will get used to it, i suppose.... and charlotte, the true believer in love, says that you only get one soul-shaking, life-changing love in life... is that what people call "true love"?  can soul-shaking and life-changing also be every day and constant?  do the two collide or contrast?  because i like to think that true love is the love that lasts, which to me means that it is what endures the everyday, ordinary events... it is the feeling you can wake up with every day for 50 years and still call "love".... but is that soul-shaking?  i don't really know.... i believe the feeling of love can be soul-shaking... but has it ever been for me in the past?

i get stuck in comfortable....not "in love".... until about 6 weeks ago... i was holding onto many different possible futures and presents... and all the while.... holding on was preventing me from letting something new in, which i didn't even know was out there....  i was holding on, because in that there is a form of certainty and comfort... but i realized, i don't want to settle for comfortable... even if comfortable is also fun and happy.... it isn't that feeling that has the potential to be soul-shaking and life-changing... it's just comfortable... it fits neatly into my plans and my schedule and my need for certainty.... but that isn't really fulfilling what i truly want....the way i want to be treated and to feel... because the way i want to feel is so much more than comfortable...

i have also realized recently that a real relationship isn't about constant contact and never-ending words of affirmation, love and praise... because you have to get it at that deeper level... and when you get that you are truly cherished, loved, beautiful, appreciated and more.... when you really get it.... you don't need to hear it all the time... you don't need constant contact or phone calls to know it... you just know it... you know it from a look.... a smile.... a touch... a feeling.... a connection....

going back to what i mentioned at the beginning of this entry... it doesn't matter if you feel ready for something or not, when it happens you are.... what's funny is that when you actually stop wanting something to happen, stop focusing on something, it has a way of just happening.... ironic.... i think being the romantic that i am... i have always wanted to be in "true love"... the love that they depict in the movies... that endures... that makes you feel like you are the only two people in the world... that gives you this tingly feeling when you kiss.... that sees you greater than you see yourself.... that makes you the best version of you when you are around that person.... and does the same to the other person....

until about 6 weeks ago, i was on my way to becoming a true pesimist... not wanting to risk getting hurt to fall in love... just wanting to know for sure who i was meant to be with and that everything would work out when i met that person.... wanting to know when and where... and if that when and where wasn't here and now, not wanting to open myself up to anything at all until then.... i kept putting myself in relationships with the "in the mean time guy"... "Mr. Right Now".... and that was safe, but was ultimately not going to get me to "Mr. Right." 

after letting go of the various futures that have already presented themselves to me with the "in the mean time guys"... i'm feeling quite differently... i'm feeling like, not only would the risk of hurt be worth it, but that risk doesn't feel like risk at all because i have this feeling that this might be it..... not just because i want it to, but because it just is.... it isn't me trying to fill the shoes next to me.... it's a whole new pair of shoes that came already filled and willingly stood beside me..... probably doesn't make sense, but it does to me.....

QUARTER LIFE CRISIS

in a discussion with my two gal pals, tina and joni, recently... we were talking about this idea that they had read about... the "quarter life crisis"... which for all of us is pretty much right now.... i don't mean to sound belittling in anyway to those of my friends still in college... because college is a time of immense growth.... however, in the past 4 months since graduation, i have grown more and learned more about the person i am than in the 4 years that i went to college....

most notably, i have gained a new sense of worth and self-confidence in my abilities and what i bring to the table.... it is with this new sense that i went confidently into my LSAT last saturday.... and confidently left... and it is because of this new awareness, i believe, that good things and opportunities are suddenly presenting themselves left and right in my life.... this year in limbo is turning into a golden year of growth, challenge, success, opportunity and ... perhaps the last thing i thought it would turn into.... love....  because first i have to love myself (i know that sounds cliche, but it's true).... and feel good enough, deserving, and worthy... before i can ever expect someone else to love me the way i need and want to be loved....

ON MY OWN

my independence is nothing new... i don't know if i was born with it or if it was the way my parents brought me up or if it was growing up hapa... it was probably all of the above combined... but independent is an adjective that has always fit me.... and recently, i have been MIA with a lot of my friends and people that matter.... i think it's just this time of adjustment and the quater life crisis that have caused me to need to be on my own.... to figure things out for myself... to be with myself... to go back to my values and the person that i know that i am.... and as social as i feel i am, i have been more than content being with myself lately.... but at the same time, with the LSAT over, a big self-imposed pressure lifted... i am about ready to come out of my shell of safety and reintroduce the somewhat new and definitely changed me....

while i have been MIA from a lot of my friends, i have also reconnected with many old friends and acquaintances... this has shown me how much i have grown since my somewhat awkward high school years.... it is reinforcing to know that while my confidence and belief in myself has grown, i am still the same person at the core.... it helps to remember where you came from in order to know how far you've come.... benchmarks... very important.....

the biggest day of your life...

i just got back from watching a man, who i never thought i'd see settle down with one woman, actually get married... you have no idea how odd that was.... and if he can fall in true love and get married, i have faith that anyone can.... i'm a believer...

while on the dance floor with all the women at the wedding, i realized that weddings just make people (well, for sure women) happy... it's a day little girls dream of all their lives... they visualize in their heads what their dress will look like, how they will wear their hair, the color of the flowers and all the other little details before they are ever able to visualize the man to fill the shoes next to them.... quite interesting.... because right now, i both love and hate weddings... hahaha... although tonight was absolutely beautiful and special... i feel like i am surrounded by love and couples at precisely the moment i feel i am supposed to be celebrating my single-hood.... it's like everywhere love is in the air... it's especially all over tv... so i am going to boycott popular tv and turn to the news and the food network ....

on the up side, i love weddings... and i was surrounded by loving married couples who seemed so happy and chill.... just enjoying life together.... so that's reinforcing.....

in other news... i think if i suffer one more harsh emotional break up or relationship.... i might just become a lesbian... i have the physical aspect down, just not the emotional....

Blessed

at the last minute my planned wedding date canceled.... and fortunately i am blessed to have the most amazing best friend... who stands in as my pseudo bf whenever and wherever i need him.... he was the perfect person for me to take and i am reminded how fortunate and lucky i am to have him in my life....

not only was he my night in shinning armor tonight... he has finally moved up to la... not even 5 minutes from my apartment.... and now, la really feels like home.... thank you, pup.... may the next four years be filled with pup memories and good times together... thank you for all that you do and, most importantly, being in my life.... i love you more than new clothes, shopping, eating, soft serve, spooning, kissing girls.... you name it....

A Toast...

stealing a line from the best man's toast...

"May all your joys be joyful and all your pains champagne"

when i was in elementary school, i used to read these books where you got to make choices on the actions and directions the protagonist took... it was like you would get to choose between several options and then you'd turn to a different page according to what decision you made for the hero... so basically, you had complete liberty to create your own story based on choices you made... of course, me being me, i would always look ahead and see what the choice i didn't make would trigger and read each of the different paths and endings to see how things would have turned out had i not chosen what i did... so basically, i made it so i didn't have to choose, because i got to do everything and go in every direction to see how things ended in each scenario...

interestingly, i feel like i wish life could be like that... but of course, it isn't at all.... you make choices and take actions and there is no looking to see how it would turn out if you did something, said something, or chose something else.... there's only... "what if.."  i know most people think it's a big lie to say that you don't believe in regrets, but to me... i really don't... i think everything happens the way it's supposed to and each thing, even the miniscule little actions and events, ultimately shape the person you become... i guess i'm just afraid that if i had done anything differently... like if i were able to go back and redo the things that i would regret then i wouldn't be the me that i am now...  i would be crazy to say that i don't think there are things i would change could i go back in time and do them differently with hindsight being 20/20, but at the same time i don't know that i really would do anything differently... unlike those books, i can't know how things would have turned out on a different page of the book of my life... and although my life has been far from perfect, i am very happy with it nonetheless....

one "mistake"

along with that line of thinking, i recently realized how much one "mistake" can completely change your life.... a mistake on some damn bubbles, a letter telling one person they're in and the other that they are not, a decision to wait, to go, to end, to leave..... and even a feeling.... can alter the course your life goes in drastically.... and this is why sometimes i fear decisions so badly.... i just have to constantly remind myself to have faith in fate and that everything happens the way it's supposed to.... there are no "mistakes"....

coincidentally, i went to church today with my aunt and cousin in orange county and the sermon was about the verse in eclesiastics... for everything there is a season.... how appropriate... so i am also reminded that not only are "mistakes" supposed to happen and decisions meant to be made... they all happen when they are supposed to....

to be loved

my cat moved in with me this week.... even though she kept me up all night friday by walking all over me and meowing incesantly, she is a positive addition to life on my own.... she greets me at the door excited to see me, craves my affection and attention, and is there for me.... i know she's just a cat, but i think she's just what i need right now... all i need is love....

my self-improvement plan

during my year in limbo.... as i call it... i've decided to set some certain goals to ensure that a year doesn't pass by without my bettering myself in some way... so here's my general self-improvement plan:

learn to golf

run in a 10K

learn to cook

learn to play the zither

get in perfect pageant shape

decorate my apartment

write the next section of my life story book

sew my own comforter cover and make some clothes

go to toastmasters and improve my public speaking

that's my list so far.... if you have any suggestions, let me know... i'm sure my list will be expanding....

letting go....

sometimes you have to let go in order to step back and figure out why you were holding on and what exactly you were holding on to.... at the same time, it's hard to let go...because i think there's this fear that if you let go of something that you think is special, you might not ever find something that special again... however that's just how you feel when you're in it... because when you step back and look at it for what it is... you might just realize that either it's not all that special or it's not even all that right for you....

trust is essential... if you can't trust someone, then it is incredibly hard to have any sort of meaningful relationship with that person... maybe that person didn't deserve to be trusted before and does now... but the damage could already be done and now it's an internal thing that you just can't trust this person... because no matter how much you want to trust what this person says and does, you can't help but feel naive and stupid for doing so... and perhaps that just means it's time to let go....

"insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

that's exactly what i've been doing... i make plans to spend time with someone important to me and i think it's going to be different... this time i'm going to be important too... this time he's going to make time to kick it because we're close friends... this time i'm not going to be sidelined for something else.... and then this time isn't different... and that's when i realize that this time it's time to let go because that's not what i want and i deserve more than that....

new beginnings...

some song lyrics from the pussy cat dolls that, although i feel they are a bit over confident, i somehow feel apply at this moment...

"i know i'm on your mind

i know we'd have a good time

i'm your friend, i'm fun, and i'm fine

i aint lying

look at me

you aint blind"

here's to new beginnings... being single... making new improved choices and being more selective about who i choose to give my heart to in friendship as well as romance...

MY FAVORITE THING

a new good friend recently asked me a very profound question.... he asked me, "What's your favorite thing?"

my automatic response was, "Dessert!" but then i realize that although i love desserts and sweet things, that is not my absolute favorite thing... my favorite thing is winning....

this may sound horrible to some... but if you know me, then it makes complete sense... winning as in achievement, accomplishment, success, completion, gratification.... this is my favorite thing...

and my graduation card from my grandmother really epitomizes this... she wrote:

"At two years, you swam across the swimming pool and shouted your favorite words; "I'm the winner! I'm the winner! I'm the winner!" It takes a winner to deserve and recieve Phi Beta Kappa! Congratulations!"

so now realizing this... i'm realizing why i am the way i am about a lot of things...

i love to debate and argue because i love to win... and i guess i've become somewhat accustomed to winning (or at least sufficiently expressing my opinion and agreeing to disagree) in arguments of various kinds...

my darling Kunal said something very truthful to me on our recent vegas trip that really hit me.... he said in his semi-drunken stuper.... "you can't argue with feelings." that's right, you can't.... and so this is my big lesson here... i can't argue with feelings and i can't always get my way with feelings... sometimes i just have to realize that feelings (be they ones i consciously want myself/others to have or not) are exactly that... feelings... and i cannot argue or debate my way out of them....

RELATIONSHIPS

ownership... it is this feeling that causes jealousy, control, pride, as well as comfort, stability and support in a relationship...

ownership like the feeling a dog has when he smells another dog on his tree and has to pee on it.... i know that's a wierd analogy, but that's how i've been feeling recently... like i have to stake out my claim... why is that?  i think in this transition period, i'm just feeling a need to hold on to what i have created and to save my spot.... does that make sense?  and at the same time, as far as romantic relationships go... i know that in my next one... i don't want to have this feeling... i don't want to be the dog that constantly with paranoia pees on his tree.... because in a relationship that's not working, no matter how many times you pee on that same tree you call yours, it will never feel quite like it is yours.... it will never be yours... and because in a relationship that's working... in one where you just know and the other person just knows that you both deserve and want each other... that you are enough and perfect with your imperfections to that one person.... then you don't have to feel that way... ever... because you will know in your heart... that that tree is, to some extent, and wants to be yours... and vice versa.... this is what i'm looking for.... but i'm not in a rush at all.... my new stance on romance... or lack thereof... i'm going to do my thing and take my time.... when, where, and who.... will just work itself out....

GOING FULL OUT

everyone experiences something that they absolutely love and "go full out" with... be it participation in an affiliation, club, or team... SPOP... pageants... career... music... family... etc...

however, i just think... that in romantic relationships.... you have to go as full out as you did for that thing you absolutely love.... you have to, if you love that relationship.... not just the person, because it's easy to fall in love with someone (romantically and platonically).... but really, it's about falling in love with the whole package... the whole relationship....

last thing about berty.... he goes full out with spop.... no joke... that's how he is in spop... and that's a big part of him that i fell for.... the problem is... he never went that full out with me... no blame on him, maybe i never let him or even expected him to... but it just kinda hurts to see him again going so strong with spop.... and realizing that he didn't do that with us... so now... i get to take that realization and carry it into being over him and the relationship... and create a new friendship with him.... i guess that's exciting....

HOW DID IRVINE BECOME HOME?

when i came to irvine and even after 4 years of being in Irvine, i never would have actually called it home.... i guess i didn't realize the feeling of home that irvine holds for me....

being back in irvine after a month out of it... and 4 years in it... it's got a special place in my life.... and as proud as i am to be an "LA girl," i whole heartedly acknowledge and take pride in the fact that i can call irvine home.... when i just drive into irvine and around the campus area... it just feels so comfortable... so me.... it's odd... and true... so i guess it's possible to have multiple places you call "home," because each can represent a different phase in your life...  now as i reminisce about irvine, i get the opportunity to create new memories in my new home in westwood...

FRIENDS

i've been reconnecting with a lot of old friends as well as making new ones.... and my usual pattern has generally held... guys.... the vast majority of my friends are guys.... so, i am going to make a conscious effort to make more girl friends and to further foster my current relationships with women...

of my new friends... there is one in particular that i have clicked with on some level... i'm not quite sure why or on what level we click... but we do... and i'm looking forward to finding out how far our friendship will carry.... so even though we might cause each other trouble... it's worth it, as far as i'm concerned....

okay okay, so i'm way over due for an entry.... so since i have so much to update you all on, i'm going to keep it as short as i can but it'll probably be a novel anway.... and besides, i always like to write more about my thoughts than actual physical happenings.... so here goes...

GRADUATION...

didn't walk with humanities, because of miss ca commitments... did have a graduation dinner with those that i love as well as two graduation festivities: Phi Beta Kappa initiation (no, i'm not affiliated... it's an honors society... actually, it is THE honors society) and honors convocation... both were very humbling experiences for me because i saw how incredible so many students at uci are... it's just inspiring... and at the same time, i have no regrets about not applying for more scholarships or participating in humanities honors or anything, because i know that i was spending more of my time out in the community making things happen... which has and always will be of utmost importance to me...

emotional side note.... i realized on that day that my life can occasionally resemble a way over dramatic romantic comedy.... well, at least i hope it's a comedy.... but perhaps it's more like the notebook sometimes.... by that i just mean lots of tears... as i stood at an intersection, both literally and metaphorically, i had one of the most intense moments... it's too much to explain... but what this movie-like dramatic experience made me realize is that sometimes you don't consciously know how much you want someone in your life until they aren't there when they could be.... and that no matter how many loved ones are there to share in your special moments, it can still hurt immensely when just one person is absent.... i also learned that although i am incredibly independent, in matters of the heart, i am not.... so this is something i feel i should either work to change or accept as just being me.... for now... my heart is, like the rest of me, in a very weird place... for now... i'm going to force myself to be independent in every sense of the word....

MISS CALIFORNIA

my word for my week at miss ca is.... PHENOMENAL... i had an incredible week... i didn't make top ten, but i'm not upset about it... i met some phenomenal women and learned a lot about what i bring to the table... the table of pageantry, of competition, of friendship, of life.... i'm realizing that i bring an awful lot....

just so you know... all of the girls who made top ten (remember, there were 54 of us) had been doing these types of pageants for years and 7 of the 10 had competed in miss california one or more times before.... also, most of the girls had a lot more support from their local pageants and a lot more time to prepare than i did... so considering that i had to learn things the hard way with very minimal support very fast, i'm just excited to go for it again next year.... so stay tuned... i'm planning on competing in the miss la county/culver city pageant in february... and hopefully, i'll be featuring a new talent... the zither...

ADJUSTING

when i got back from miss ca... i had some kind of one day emotional breakdown.... i got back and everything was just different... like i had known that things would be different, but i didn't get to go through any of the transition process... when i got back i wasn't in school anymore, i wasn't in irvine or oc, i was full time in la on my own, friends had gone home for summer or indefinitely, miss california was over, i had nothing i had to do.... no pageant to prep for... no paper to write... no job to go to.... i can't really explain how it felt... but everything was just all of a sudden a different reality for me...instead of saying goodbye's, walking at graduation with friends, partying after graduation, moving out slowly while reminiscing, celebrating my accomplishments... i just immersed myself in the madness that is pageant world and miss california.... i can't explain how it feels... but i'm just now adusting... i'm okay... i'm actually more than okay because i know this is growth for me... this is change and it's good change... i just have to catch up with myself.... so in order to do that... i'm hanging out and spending a lot of quality time with myself.... i'm off for the month of july.... i leave for new york on sunday for a week... then i'm back a couple of days before going to texas for a week.... that's my july off.... then august and september i'm on and studying my ass off for the lsat..... work and study… that’s my plan… oh how I love having a plan…. It just feels so me…

CONCLUSION

I’m watching the spop dvd by myself… in honor of spop 1 beginning today… how sad is that… I’m just reminiscing…. It’s odd how so much of my last summer was building this handful of incredible bonds…. And that handful is still a vital part of my life… watching the dvd made me remember what it felt like to fall in love with each of them… such incredible people… and just watching a fragment of our summer together, I fall in love with them all over again… that’s just beautiful…. and I’m grateful… not sad….

I’m feeling odd… I guess it’s still just a matter of adjusting for me… I’m all emotionally drained…. and somewhat lost… not in a bad way… just that this is all new to me… so I’m not used to my new life… I’m not good at it yet… does that make sense…

Also, I hate being single… maybe not being single… but I hate dating… I haven’t even gone on a date this summer, but I just detest the idea of it… call me crazy, but I’m just a relationship girl… but for now being single is good because I have to figure out what it is that I want…. And then not settle…. I have to be more objective…  I rush in with my overload of emotions… I fall in like too quickly… I feel torn right now… I just want some huge sign… telling me what to do, who I’m meant to be with, when I’m meant to be with him…. I used to think the idea of meeting the one you are meant to be with was so romantic… I would want it to be like a romantic movie… where when you meet you just know…. But feelings are confusing…  and now I don’t need the mystery… I just want to know…  

Because of some recommendations from those who consult my matters of the heart, I bought and plan to read on my trips two books…. May the feminists of the world forgive me…. “Mars and Venus on a Date” and “He’s Just Not That Into You” …. I will do my best to take what I can from these books… and perhaps reading them in public will stop men from hitting on me while I sit alone at a café or central park….

Last side note, my dad said one of the most intense things he could have ever said to me… he said that I don’t have to worry about it… it being getting into law school and career success…. Apparently, when I made phi beta kappa, my father decided that meant that I was safe… I would be more than okay…. My dad no longer had to worry and neither did i…. all according to the world of my father… it’s a very strange world for me… when my whole life my greatest challenge and motivation has been to make my father proud… and I think I’ve actually done it… it’s just overwhelming… so perhaps I can become as sure of myself and my future as my father is…. That’ll be my new greatest challenge… I’m just hoping that it won’t take another 22 years to overcome this one….